


Tears

by AcieReyloPawesome



Category: Star Wars, Star Wars Episode VIII: The Last Jedi, Star Wars Sequel Trilogy
Genre: Angst, Call-backs to their previous Force Bond sessions, F/M, Feels, Force Bond, Hurt, I am so sorry, Ouch, Set after the battle on Crait
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-03-07
Updated: 2018-03-07
Packaged: 2019-03-28 07:20:09
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,129
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13899102
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/AcieReyloPawesome/pseuds/AcieReyloPawesome
Summary: Rey finds Ben crying and tries to cheer him up. Unfortunately, neither of them were ever very good with feelings.





	Tears

Ben was crying. He hated to admit it, he couldn't admit it. If he admitted it, it would be as if he'd given in to it. Then the truth would have all the power over him and he could do nothing about it. And if he admitted it to himself, it would only be a matter of time before the First Order and the rest of the galaxy would find out how weak he actually was. They could easily figure out a way to assassinate him and then Hux would rise in power. And god knows what that tyrant would do if he was given all the power in the galaxy. He had such a lust for power and blood and the galaxy would fall into chaos under his power. Not saying it already wasn't now under Ben's control, but Ben knew it was better that he was in charge. He could sabotage his own company just so he could keep her safe..

He couldn't admit it. But he couldn't block the truth and pretend it didn't exist, either.

He missed Rey.

He missed her smile, her eyes, that were ones of such a unique shade that Ben could never forget them, the touch of her slim, willowy fingers that night in the hut. He missed the way she slowly began calling him Ben.

Ben didn't know exactly how to handle these newfound emotions. Sure, there had been females in the Jedi school, but back then his mind had already been poisoned by Snoke for years. He had never felt so... unhappy just not to see one person for a few months. She made him feel like he needed her more than water, more than anything. He knew she could bring back the light in him, but he didn't know if he could ever return.   
Before, Snoke would've easily manipulated him and 'purified' his mind of such thoughts. He would've told him he wasn't worthy of love. He would remind him of his own parents calling him a monster. And Ben would've believed it. Snoke could've already made him just not to feel a certain way, but now, there was no one there to make him stop crying. Was killing Snoke a mistake? No, no, it was the best thing he had ever done. The relief he had felt after they'd finished fighting the Praetorian guards, when he'd realized Snoke no longer had control over his mind, that he could no longer whisper secrets that hurt him into his ear, had felt so good he could've started crying of joy. Even if the old Supreme Leader could have manipulated his mind so that he no longer loved Rey, he would still tell him he was worth nothing. Ben would still be just one more pawn in his game. 

But how could he possibly feel this way? How could a scavenger from Jakku, for force's sake, make him feel so... weak? 

Ben's thoughts were interrupted by a voice. 

"Is the Supreme Leader crying?"

She was back. God, after moths of loneliness, bitter waiting and desperate tries to reach the girl, he felt almost like he'd been dead and was just now brought back to life. The voice that he loved with all his heart made him feel like the happiest man alive and a part of him just wanted to grab her and let out all his feelings and never let her go.   
But yet something inside of him still hesitated, was still hurt and still ached after the bitter rejection he'd faced on Crait. It was like his insides could never come to compromise if he loved her or loathed her. 

There was such pure mockery in her beautiful that Ben felt physically hurt. Not schadenfreude, but just like a jokey tone. She had clearly meant it as a joke, but her playful expression turned into instant regret as he turned around to face her. 

The teary, bitter sadness attacked her in the form of his voice. Taking a shaky breath, he stepped towards Rey. Rey's eyes studied him, like they always did.

"Are you only here to mock me?" he spat out, quickly wiping all the tears away.

"No, I-"

"After months of blocking me, you just randomly show up and start making fun of me? Do you have any idea how much I- how much I- how much I missed you?" Ben finished, the final words coming out barely louder than a whisper. God, why did the force have to connect them right now?

She had shown up at the worst possible timing. Even accidentally connecting while he was showering would've been better than letting her see him at his weakest. Now she knew just how weak she had made him. Now she knew. 

"No, Kylo-"

Something inside him snapped at that name. The fury bursted out as a loud roar.

"SO NOW I'M KYLO AGAIN? WHAT HAPPENED TO BEN?!" 

Rey's face was filled with horror for a second, but then it eased down to just plain irritation. She no longer feared him. 

"You do realize you're the only that has called me Ben in like a ten years? The only one I- ... the only one I've let call me that.." his voice faded out and he stared at the ground next to him.

"You told Han Ben Solo was dead."

The mention of his father made Ben feel pain inside of him. Rey was right. Still, Ben felt betrayed. He had trusted her, let her in and opened his soul for her. All for nothing. He sighed, looked at her straight into her eyes and, after a long pause, said, his voice shaking:

"You made me feel like he wasn't."

Rey let out a gasp, and her eyes filled with bitter tears. Ben inhaled and turned away from her. He couldn't stand seeing her so.. sad and hurt, and all because of him. No. This wasn't all his fault. They'd both made mistakes. She had left alone for months to process what he'd done wrong and now it was his turn to leave her. He could feel her trying to think of something to say, raising her hand to reach out to touch him, but then stopping in the act. He heard her silent sigh, and a whisper of thoughts that said:

'I'm sorry. I hope that someday you'll be able to forgive me.'

Then the connection was gone. Ben let out a breath he had had no idea he'd been holding and proceeded to stare out the window into nothingness. A bunch of star systems, all filled with planets. Planets that were worth nothing. Just like his feelings for Rey.

He didn't even realize he was crying again until the tears dropped to his tunic.

**Author's Note:**

> I should probably learn how to write something other than angst. Anyways, leave a kudos and/or a comment if you liked!


End file.
